Finchem needs to listen to more Zappa

You drank beer, you played golf, you watched football - WE EVOLVED!
- Frank Vincent Zappa

Frank Zappa believed that a "good artist is a tasteful thief". In other words if you are going to steal an idea at least have the decency to make it a good one. When George Harrison wrote 'My Sweet Lord', thank goodness it was 'He's so fine' by the Chiffons that was running amok in his subconscious and not '99 Luftbaloons' by Nena.

PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem was almost certainly not chanelling Zappa when he decided to send a memo to all PGA Tournament directors reminding them of Steve Elkington's current tour status and the fact that the 1997 USPGA Champion would need an invite to appear in their event in 2010. One has to then ask, what precisely was he thinking while composing and distributing the memo?

The motive behind this action is rather baffling seeing as it has simply served to annoy and disgruntle the scores of tour players who, for whatever reason, no longer have full playing rights. So Tim Finchem has severely dented his own credibility as the head of the most powerful professional golf tour in the World for what exactly? Making sure that Steve Elkington gets to play as often as possible!? Steve Elkington!?

Tim Finchem, descibing just how much trouble that memo got him into, yesterday

I genuinely like the personable 47 year old Australian but does anyone actually believe his presence at, for example, the John Deere Classic will put one solitary extra body through the gates? Would putting Elkington on the entry list be more beneficial than say adding John Daly, Rocco Mediate or David Duval to Thursday's pairings?

Finchem's quote, from the memo, about Elkington being "a tournament favorite for his work with the sponsors" is both a strength and, increasingly, a weakness for the tour. Golf sponsorship would never have reached the extraordinary levels it has if it were not for the fact that so many CEO's and VP's of Marketing play the game and conduct business on the course. It is not too difficult to understand why a middle aged multi-millionaire with a major under his belt would be so popular on Pro-Am days when someone is needed to play 18 holes with the head of finance from the presenting sponsor. In turn it is hardly a surprise that a Tiger-less tour doesn't attract a new generation of fans when pressure is being exerted on tournaments to add players to their events who are marking out their time waiting to cash in on the Champions Tour.

So my advice to the 'Commish' would be that if he is going to anger half his members, shoot for the stars and send out a memo reminding all of his tournaments that they could invite the cast of 'Jersey Shore' to play in their event or possibly a live, low-handicap octopus. At least that way he could guarantee some headlines in the process.

Don't forget that there are 50 (that's fifty) Stiletto Green Tools to be won right now.

The pairings at Augusta: A ratings winner!

With only a couple of weeks to go before the first major of the season, the golf world is fixing its gaze upon Augusta, Georgia. Tiger Woods' return to competitive golf has done the almost impossible and made the 74th Masters a greater 'appointment to view' event than ever before.

The question is who will the Masters committee pair him with? Who will be forced to endure the pressure of playing in front of enormous galleries of pro and anti-Tiger followers. This group of fans are as likely to cheer every shank as they are to politely applaud each birdie. It will require a strong nerve and truck loads of confidence to play the first 36 holes in that particular environment let alone make the cut. It's hard enough to qualify for the weekend at Augusta under normal circumstances without being followed by at least one representative of every media outlet on the planet.

Tiger's locker room environment at Augusta will be much differ to recent years.

I believe I may have the solution. This proposal has the potential to deliver everything that the golf fan could want; Tiger in action, great shot making, controversy, astonishingly bad trousers, belt buckles the size of Nebraska and crowd violence. All this while ensuring the safety an protection of the players and reducing the chances of the galleries or viewing television audience being offended by any audible player profanity. It's simple really, pair Tiger up with Rory Sabbatini and Ian Poulter for the first two days and while you are at it mic them up!

Precisley the sort of gallery member Augusta is looking for, yesterday

Sabbatini has a history of effectively dealing with fans who have the temerity to talk to him while on the course. In May 2007 Texas based South African declared that "[Woods is] more beatable than ever!". Inevitably this came back to bite him two months later when Woods crushed him in the final paring on the Sunday of the WGC Bridgestone Invitational. That Sunday afternoon at the Firestone Country Club, Woods equaled the low round of the week, a 65, while Sabbatini shot a miserable 74. Unfortunately, Rory's best work of the day was in making Steve Banky a household name (outside his own) for a couple of days, by having him ejected from the course. His crime? Enquiring of Rory as to whether or not he still thought Tiger was "beatable"! It would be unfair to label Sabbatini a serial ejector, if I did not have my own painful expereince of being turfed off a championship golf course at the South African's behest.

In 2001 Sabbatini was just breaking through on the US Tour and was still establishing his playing credentials in the United States. Back then he still had a South African accent, I can only assume he bought the Texan one that comes out of his mouth now. I was friends with his caddie, Kieran Docherty (now on Todd Hamilton's bag). I met up with the player and caddie at Sabbatini's rented flat on the morning of the first round of the Open Championship at Royal Lytham. He was very friendly and was probably quite happy that he had at least one supporter specifically following him that day. All was going well until about the 7th hole, Sabbatini was on the fairway conferring with Docherty, I was behind the ropes about 60 feet away from both. The belief that my mobile phone was switched off was shattered by the loud noise breaking perfect silence, it was coming from my pocket. Without even blinking, Rory ushered a USGA official over to me and he, in turn, instructed near by stewards to escort me off the course. Of the 40,000 fans there that day, I can safely say that only one was specifically there to give the South African any support and encouragement and he, in turn, had me ejected from the venue!

Ian Poulter's contribution shall be two-fold. Primarily I want him there (and here is where the mics come in handy) so that I can hear the conversation between he and Tiger regarding the Englishman's magnificently out of context "It's me and Tiger" quote from early 2008. Tiger's response to this, at the time, was cutting and to the point. After a spectacular final round of 65, at the Dubai Desert Classic, Woods was asked live on TV about the fact that the gap in the World rankings between him and second place man Phil Mickleson was larger than the gap between Phil and the golfer ranked number 1000. Wood's responded by remarking, with an impish grin, that he thought "Poulter was number two now". The secondary reason for Poulter's inclusion is much more straight forward, I honestly believe the decibel levels of his outfits will block out much of the negativity that may come from the galleries.

Don't forget that there are 50 (that's fifty) Stiletto Green Tools to be won right now.